Marital, Family or Individual Therapist serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana



There Are No Victims In Life Or Marriage
Written By: Mark Smith


Healing Toxic Shame Through Recovery
Click For Info About Mark Smith's New E-Book
'Healing Toxic Shame Through Recovery'




Managing Abandonment  Issues Through Recovery
And Here For 'Managing Abandonment Issues Through Recovery'





I'm back from vacation. I hope that all of my readers are enjoying a wonderful summer. Back to work - this week we will go back to one of Relationship Jazz's main themes - quit whining and playing the victim's role, get to work instead changing the one person who can improve your situation - YOU.

A man was hiking in the mountains when he came across a frozen snake. The man felt sorry for the snake and he decided to try to save the snake's life by warming him by a fire. Sure enough, after several minutes, the snake began to thaw out, and he was OK. The snake then crawled over to the man and promptly bit him. Since the snake was poisonous, the man knew that he was going to die. He said, "Mr. Snake, that hardly seems fair. I saved your life and now you have killed me." Then the snake said, "Well mister, that is just what snakes do. It is our nature. Why did you pick me up?" Like the hiker, it is our decisions to invite or to allow the unhealthy and unsafe behaviors of others into our lives that result in our feelings of victimization.

We believe that for many people, no doubt, most of us, that there was a time when we were truly victimized-in childhood. Children are so innocent and so powerless. If they are subjected to abuse or neglect, they cannot help but grow up and carry those wounds into their adult relationships. And by abuse and neglect I don't necessarily mean alcoholism or sexual abuse, or parental abandonment, as prevalent as those issues are. Most therapy work centers around some of the more subtle forms of parental abuse and neglect: the workaholic, emotionally unavailable father; the emotionally needy, overly controlling mother; the rigid, shaming, authoritarian addictively religious family; or the passive, materialistic parents who were unable to set effective disciplinarian boundaries for their children, etc.

Nature is constantly at work to help us heal our unresolved psychological issues. To help us unearth unhealed wounds from our childhood, we unconsciously are attracted to and choose to bring into our lives, individuals who have many of the very same unhealthy qualities that our parents did. We seek them out in order to help us to finish our emotional business from childhood. The way that we re-create our childhood issues in our adult relationships is almost like "Deja  vu"-feeling like I've already done this once before. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines "deje  vu" as "already seen," and as "something overly or unpleasantly familiar." That is exactly what we discover when we put the pieces of an individual's family history together as we study their family trees during assessment. It is almost spooky, how many issues get repeated from one generation to the next.

This process of realization, of discovering the true roots of their problems, of experiencing deep and powerful insights into themselves and their families of origin is basically making an ideological shift from seeing oneself as a victim, and moving to a position of self-responsibility and recovery. I tell my clients that if I am feeling victimized I go stand in front of a mirror and ask myself what that guy in the mirror did or didn't do that allowed this situation to occur. This awareness is life changing.

An autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson describes perfectly what I have been trying to share . . .

1) I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost . . . I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in . . . It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my responsibility.

I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

I hope that this article will help you to gain insights into yourself as you confront whatever deep holes you have in your sidewalks. See you next week.

If you join our confidential, inspirational list below today we will give you 3 FREE gifts (a $20.00+ value)



The BASICS For A Healthy Life And Marriage
1ST
FREE E-BOOK BONUS...
'The BASICS For A Healthy Life And Marriage'




Startling Insight Into <br />
The Healing Powers Of Marriage 2ND FREE
E-BOOK BONUS...
'Startling Insight Into The Healing Powers Of Marriage'




Startling Insight Into <br />
The Healing Powers Of Marriage 3RD FREE BONUS GIFT... Read The First Chapter Of 'Managing Abandonment Issues Through Recovery'







JOIN OUR EMAIL LIST NOW TO GET 3 FREE GIFTS, INSIGHTFUL BLOGS, ARTICLES, PODCASTS AND VIDEOS








TYPE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS HERE AND THEN PRESS ENTER:







This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
©Family Tree Counseling Associates