The Bone Crushing Pain of Affairs
Written By: Mark Smith
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Affairs are just as disillusioning as marriage, and much less restful. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic Notebook, 1966
Nothing has ever hurt nearly as bad as this! It's like a
nightmare that you feel like you'll never wake up from. This person, this person that you thought you knew, that you thought you could trust, who you thought loved you has now betrayed you in the most humiliating and horrific way possible. The shock hasn't even begun to wear off. You've cried rivers of tears and they aren't letting up in the least bit. At times you'd literally like to kill him, at times you'd like to cling to him and at times you'd actually like to make love to him like a wild animal - it's so confusing. You've noticed huge mats of hair in your drain. You are so stressed out that you are actually losing your hair. You feel broken and lacking in energy. You feel unattractive and thrown away. The word "rejected" does not come close to describe what you are feeling. You feel shattered and completely abandoned.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You are going to be OK though. I'm here to help you. I CAN help you if you'll let me. I will be sharing some things that will help you make sense of it all. I have walked hundreds of people through similar situations. The main thing that you will need is a really flexible and open mind.
I will share some things that might sound crazy when you first hear them. They are concepts that will blow your mind and very possibly save your life! I might very well make you extremely angry when you first read these concepts. I just ask that you keep reading and keep thinking. I will make an extremely compelling case for the secret that I will share with you. Just know that you will get through this. I promise you that what happened will all make much more sense to you very soon.
Having gone through this will make you a much stronger, wiser and better person. Everything happens for a reason. If life were like a huge jigsaw puzzle, you just had someone knock your puzzle over. You thought that you had things figured out in your life until this happened. I will help you to put the puzzle pieces together again. What you didn't know was that you were actually putting the pieces to your puzzle together the wrong anyway. You had some fundamental misperceptions. We will figure this out together.
Many years ago I received a call from a local family doctor's office requesting that I see one of his patients right away. I was told that the young man in question was in bad shape and that he needed to be seen immediately. I shifted my schedule a bit and 3 hours later Craig, age 30 was sitting in my waiting room. His sister and mother had all but carried him into my office not unlike how a wounded player is helped off the football field - one of them under each of his shoulders. He was tearful and despondent. He couldn't sit up in his chair and his mother had to fill out his paperwork. Several months ago Craig's wife Julie had asked him to leave the house. She said that she didn't know where she was with the relationship and that she needed some time to think. When he called her at the house he noticed that the ringing noise sounded different then it did before for some reason. He later discovered that she had left the house as well. She was call forwarding the phone to her boyfriend's house where she had moved to. Craig didn't see that coming. Sure, his job as a surgeon had kept him at work and away from home a great deal and the marriage did seem a bit blah, but he never questioned her love or commitment. She did have that thing that happened in college though. One semester things got a bit overwhelming for Julie and she just stopped going to class. However, rather than telling her parents or her friends about her predicament, she spent the rest of the semester pretending that she was in fact attending classes and doing the work. Of course when the grades were handed out her secret life was exposed and everybody was shocked. Now it was happening again except with even larger consequences.
While I wanted to help ease his pain immediately I couldn't really help Craig until I fully understood his story. At our practice we get the full story by taking a complete family history by using a simple tool called a genogram. A genogram is just an empty family tree. We ask about everything - parents, grandparents, children, marriages, former relationships, hobbies, friends, secrets, lies, addictions, siblings, education, career, money, etc. Craig was close to being suicidal, but just one month later after I had completed his genogram or family tree and had instilled our secret message firmly in his heart and mind Craig came to a session and said the following very startling words and I quote: "Julie having her affair was THE best thing that has ever happened to me. It woke me up psychologically. It caused me to have to work on myself. It helped me to learn the truth about who I am, who my family is and was and who Julie is. It had to happen and I am so thankful for your direction in helping me to figure out why it happened. I would not go back to being the workaholic, oblivious, emotionally dead person that I was before this wake up call. I hold zero bitterness towards Julie. She was just being Julie. She was being exactly who I needed her to be. I have a sense of peace and direction that I have never had before. I'm excited about the future!" Craig worked through his grieving process smoothly. He then met a very lovely woman his age that had also been recently divorced. While I haven't heard from him I'm sure that Craig has put to good use the lessons he learned from his first marriage to help build a secure and vibrant 2nd marriage. In a month you can be free of the bitterness and sense of victimization that is now dominating your life. Let us help you get there.
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