The Secret to Recovering from an Affair
Written By: Mark Smith
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Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. ~Author Unknown
If you have an open heart and mind you will be dazzled by what I am going to share now. This is the punch line. This is the mind blowing secret that I've been touting as THE key to salvaging and re-building your marriage. It is the heart and soul of this book. Are you ready? Here goes - you were not victimized because you deliberately but unconsciously picked your spouse so that they could do to you exactly what they did - and I'll prove it to you. You will be utterly miserable if you continue to view the affair as something that was unfairly perpetrated upon you. This happened to you for a reason. Please open your mind and heart and we will figure out exactly why this happened to you and we'll help you to thrive and grow from it.
We all are all wounded in some way and to some degree during childhood. Thankfully we develop psychological defense mechanisms or calluses which help us to function and cope in spite of our wounds. Even people who experienced horrible abuse in childhood can live apparently normal lives on the surface as long as their defenses aren't broken down too much. However, this is where nature wants to intervene. Nature wants to heal itself. If I were to cut my finger red blood platelets would arrive on the scene, begin to coagulate the blood and begin a healing process. Two weeks later, no cut. Doctors don't heal the body, the body heals the body. Doctors just help the body do its work. Trees damaged by lightning manage to heal the scared limbs and continue to thrive. I once had a client whose liver was severed and it grew back! Nature wants to heal itself. If believe that this is actually God's plan, but whether you call it nature or the universe or God, it wants to heal your buried psychological wounds. However, as long as your defenses are in place your wounds can't be reached. So, nature or God or the universe created a very wonderful and a very horrible mechanism for tearing down your walls. It is called relationship and marriage. We are attracted to people who are made out of basically the very same psychological DNA as the people who hurt you the most during your childhood. You need to get this. We all have a radar system. Let's say that you grew up with a controlling and critical father. If you are in a room with 99 emotionally healthy men (there is no such room on this planet) and 1 critical and controlling guy he would be the only guy that you thought was hot. You would see his controlling critical nature as confidence and strength. Then 7 years later you would wake up from your enmeshment induced slumber and realize that he's a younger version of your father. Our childhood wounding twists us up psychologically and in turn it also twists up the part of us that determines who we are attracted to. I had a guy who had an emotional terrorist for a mother who came to therapy because he picked a string of emotional terrorists girlfriends. He said, "Mark, my picker is broken." To which I said, "No, actually your picker is has been working flawlessly." A basketball buddy of mine who reads our newsletter once suggested to me that I start a dating service based upon my theories. So, rather than trying to match people up by similar interests a website add might look something like this:
"37 year old Caucasian female looking for handsome successful jealous raging controlling alcoholic man between the ages of 33 and 50."
Ok, the business plan might have a flaw in it. Nobody would consciously sign up to date a carbon copy of the parent who hurt us the worst. We do sign up for it unconsciously though. That is how we select our love interests. And again, I will prove it to you. The way we re-create our childhood issues in our adult relationships is like "Deja vu"-feeling like I've already done this once before. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines "deje vu" as "already seen", and as "something overly or unpleasantly familiar". That is exactly what we discover when we put the pieces of an individual's family history together as we study their family trees during assessment. It is almost spooky, how many issues get repeated from one generation to the next. The best example that I have to share with you is a case that I had very early in my career. A woman grew up with a very controlling father who had actually taped her telephone conversations when she was a teenager. She reacted to this over control by growing up and marrying a very passive fellow. However, 2 years into the marriage she was up in her attic and she noticed this funny little box. This passive guy was taping her phone conversations just like her father used to! Isn't that wild. Her radar system was finely tuned. That was not a coincidence. It was unconsciously on purpose.
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