At This Point Your Marriage Is SUPPOSED To Be Miserable!
Written By: Mark Smith
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You read correctly! If you have been married more than 7 years and you have not done some major league marital therapy as of yet then your immense marital unhappiness is right on track where it is supposed to be. Are you surprised at that? If you are then you do not understand the nature and the purpose of marriage. Your marriage is actually operating perfectly well, just as it was designed to do. The under lying nature of your marital unhappiness goes much deeper than the dynamics... between you and the person you said ‘I do’ to years ago. The problem my friend…is you.
I can’t judge you for your not fully grasping the nature of marriage. Who of us actually knew ourselves and truly and deeply knew our spouses when we made those vows that fateful day? And who of us had a skilled and knowledgeable therapist plumbing the dysfunctional potential of our fresh and innocent union? Hear this; sorry for raising my voice but I want for you to get it – THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE IS TO REINACT THE MOST PAINFUL ASPECTS OF YOUR CHILDHOOD WITH SOMEONE STANDING IN THE PLACE OF THE PERSON(S) WHO HURT YOU THE MOST. That is why you aren’t happily married. You weren’t healthily and happily enough raised. Please take that truth to the bank – it is pure gold.
Your childhood is the very foundation of you and all that you are. Your flawed parents were no doubt wonderful people, but don’t kid yourself, they had more issues than a barrel full of monkeys. While they did their best to love you and give you a stable childhood they came short, way short of all that you needed. So you were wounded. And then you thankfully developed some pretty sturdy psychological defenses whose purpose was to protect you from truths and pain at your very core. So you left home full of hope and love and you landed at the altar like we all do…in a deaf, dumb, blind and relational inexperienced condition. But trust me; you were standing at the scene of the crime with the right conspirator. Your internal radar system drew you to the perfect person for you to marry. No one ever, ever married the wrong person. Your beloved’s role was to blissfully skate by with you for 5 to 7 years of early love bonding or ‘enmeshment’ and then to eventually and imperceptivity show their true colors to you. This is what love and marriage is. Once the enmeshment is over you wake up one day and realize that your jerk of a husband is actually a dead ringer for your controlling and critical mother or that your betraying wife is a ‘Ground Hog Day’ rehash of the father who abandoned the family when you were 4, or that your know it all alcoholic boyfriend is a carbon copy of your know it all workaholic father. And 10, 15 or 20 years in without therapy you expect to be happily married? No. Not in the cards.
Marital issues are an opportunity for you to look at you and to examine your flaws and wounds. It is not a place to point the finger. Divorce really isn’t a good option at all. Mainly because you are guaranteed to marry the same person all over again the second time around. They’ll just with a different name and a different face and a whole lot of messy baggage for all concerned. Face your pain. Embrace your pain. Normalize it. It is normal as breathing. But you cannot figure this out for yourself. If you could have you would have by now. One of you needs to realize that there is a serious condition that needs attention and seek the proper help. By proper help I mean ONLY a therapist who ties your childhood wounding to your current state of marital unhappiness and who fosters a community of Recovery for both of you in a safe and directive environment where truths about both of you are boldly and cuttingly named and owned. It isn’t about fixing the marriage. It is about fixing two broken wounded people who have been trying like hell to push each other to the very end of themselves. It is time. We are available for you in the Indianapolis area for Marriage Counseling or we can work with you all over the English speaking world via Skype. 317-844-2442
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