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Love Is Blind, Marriage Is The Eye Opener
Written By: Mark Smith


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Indianapolis Marriage Counseling Information

I knew I had an awesome blog topic as soon as I saw this on Facebook! It is funny, but it is also filled with tremendous wisdom.

Love IS blind as a bat, but it is also as unerring and about as dangerous as a laser guided missile. We always fall in love with exactly the right person, every single time, no exceptions. That is an immutable law of nature. The blind as a bat part is that we do not have much of a conscious clue to who we are dealing with. All we know is that our new object of adoration and affection makes us very happy. We get butterflies in our stomachs when they walk into the room. They put off an aura of almost other worldly beauty and sex appeal. When we 'fall in love' our brain chemistry even changes. We get stoned on the freshness and excitement of love with our new object of desire.

I frequently ask newly available and newly dating clients if they are afraid of the pain that might befall them out there. I always get the same answer. I get a really goofy grin and a "no, not at all, why should I be?". At that moment I know that they are going to basically be dating roadkill before too very long and that there is nothing that I can do to stop it. Falling in love is one of the most dangerous things that you can ever do!

Here's the thing about falling in love - you are only going to have magical, off the charts, goose pimply chemistry with people who are secretly your worst nightmares, people who have hidden characteristics that closely align with whoever hurt you the most when you were a child. Please re-read that last sentence. If you have enough psychological openness to hear and fully take in what I wrote then you just received a priceless gift. You now understand the true meaning of love. You now understand why your love life has been a complete disaster since the 6th grade. It all goes back to your father and mother and for most of us that is not the best of news.

Mother nature, in her infinite wisdom, decided that the best way to forcefully nudge us towards addressing our unresolved childhood wounds was to create the ultimate bate in switch deal of all time. We think that we are getting this intensely special, wonderful, magical love god or goddess when in reality who they really are is a cleverly disguised version of the parents of our youths. It doesn't matter who your parents are now. Your love mold was constructed when you were very young, vulnerable and fragile.

Marriage certainly offers us an opportunity to have our eyes opened. After the love potion of our early enmeshment wears off we begin to learn the truth about who our beloved really is.

You thought he was confident and masculine, turns out he's really arrogant and pig headed. You thought she was adoringly needy and insatiable, turns out that she's an emotional vampire who would very much like to possess your very soul. You thought he was kind and flexible, turns out he is a passive aggressive, hen pecked ball dropper you can't bring yourself to respect. You thought she was sweet, giving and supportive, turns out she is filled with rage and she now hates your guts with a passion. You get the picture. Who did you think you were getting? Who did you get?

Marriage is designed to make you miserable, to grind you down and to humble you enough to realize that you must be at least half of the cause of all your misery. Marriage is nature's way to prepare your heart for learning, insight, depth, growth, maturity and all around betterment. The problem is that most people don't get their eyes opened by their marriages. Unfortunately, what most people 'learn' from marriage has to do with observations about the failures, inadequacies and dysfunctions of their spouse, not startling, life changing truths about themselves. If your focus is on the sins of your partner then you have completely missed the point about what marriage is trying to teach you. Your marriage is a brutal teaching ground where you will have an opportunity to re-enact the themes, issues and wounding of your childhood. It is all about facing off with difficult to swallow truths about your childhood and your self.

You have been advised my friend. Move forward into the murky waters of love at your own risk. If you are hurting, sad, beaten, discouraged and confused on the other side of the love equation then reach out to me familytreecounseling@juno.com. We'll sit down with or without your love combatant and we'll figure it out.

Indianapolis Marriage Counseling Information




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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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