Written By: Mark Smith
CLICK THE PICTURE to watch Mark Smith's brand new video 'Abandonment - The King Kong Of Issues'
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CLICK THE PICTURE to watch Mark Smith's brand new video 'Abandonment - The Michael Jordan Of Issues!'
I have had such a wonderful, magical time on my writing trip to Florida. Along the way I was blessed with several tiny experiences that made me really happy...the ocean teeming with dolphins as I wrote on the beach all alone in the rain,
an older gentleman inexplicably but beautifying playing bagpipes in a very upscale neighborhood in Naples, a guy ceremoniously banging a drum as the sun set on the beach, an informal wedding ceremony 50 yards in front of me in a gazebo in a park as I did my P90X workout, noticing odd fellows scanning for metal on the beach (Who are these guys and how in the world did they get interested in scanning for metal?), the delicious eggs Florentine I started every writing day with at the Greek Pizza place, a truly awesome morning of full court trashing talking basketball in Miami and getting high (on writing) one night on the beach. Its the small things that are the best. They happen every single day, we just aren't paying enough attention at times to take them in. I enjoyed my Serendipitous Goodies so much that I wanted to share them with you guys.
Okay, here is another slice of my new book 'Managing Abandonment Through Recovery'. It starts with a new poem of mine...
it comes in waves
of making you whole
the yearnings, the emptiness, the depth
hidden behind walls
a little boy, broken and raw
the waves wash up
on the shores of my soul
leaving me utterly exhausted
it comes in waves
the sobs and groaning
to ancient woundings
I am not afraid
I am little
but I am safe and strong
courageous, splashing in the waves
and a poem from the great contemporary poet, David Whyte...
It doesn't interest me if there is one God or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel Abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you.
If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand.
I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing.
I want to know if you're willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of sure defeat.
I have been told, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.
-David Whyte 'Self Portrait'
Have you felt Abandonment pain? If you have, you know how brutal it can be.
A large part of my new book on Abandonment is coaching for the significant other...
Understanding the truth about your loved oneís Abandonment Issues is an absolute Godsend. If you donít know what is going on and they donít know what is going on then you will get sucked into their crazy dance early and often. The reason that happens (brace yourself) is that you are actually as crazy as they are. That isnít good news is it? It is the truth though. This is not a situation with one sick person and one together one who has to suffer and help the sick one. There are two unhealthy people here. If your sweetie doesnít own their abandonment issues then you need to walk. They canít and wonít get better until they first own their stuff. That means understanding that abandonment is rooted in their childhood and specifically how it gets expressed in the relationship. If you stay in a relationship with someone who denies the call about their abandonment issues, you evidently still have the psychological need to dance with someone who occasionally acts like a mean, dangerous fire-breathing dragon.
I am not judging that. You will be done when you are done and not a minute before. Your dragon is a gift and they are your therapy. They probably wonít get better until and unless and until you do though.
I'm sorry but you will have to go to therapy with your Abandonment suffering spouse. This is non-negotiable. If you had diabetes, and if you refuse to go to the doctor and do exactly what the doctor says, then you are being extremely self-destructive. Psychologically, you have diabetes. Abandonment issues are the King Kong of issues. They are HUGE! They MUST be addressed. Your relationship would barely survive at times even with both partners actively involved in therapy and recovery. It certainly wonít survive for long without some very insightful, aggressive and effective therapy. You are fooling yourself if you think that the two of you can untangle your crazy dance without the very active and spirited instruction of a very talented therapist. A great therapist can break down your abandonment dance like a football play. They are objective and hopefully quite insightful and powerful. They can drop a flag like a referee does when they see an infraction of the rules in a football game. You know the credit card commercial that says such and such costs $50.00, such and such costs $100.00 but such and such is priceless? A sharp therapist who cuts like a surgical laser through the BS of your abandonment denial, reactivity and insanity is absolutely priceless. You both need a great deal of help and support. As a significant other of someone suffering from abandonment issues you must become a solid expert in all things abandonment issue related. Working hard in therapy together and reading this book will give you a common healthy language that you both can use to try to see and hear each other with. The more you know the better off you both will be. It wonít fix things but the insight and enlightenment will certainly be a refreshing relief from banging around in the dark while bloodying your emotional shins.
Recovery from abandonment issues for the person directly with them and for their significant others includes intensive work in group therapy focusing on childhood abandonment memories, the ability to learn to hear your significant other even while "under the influence" of abandonment, and the developing of the ability to observe situations much more objectively rather than having a knee jerk reaction to the misperceptions and distorted realities caused by your abandonment wounds. You have to learn to see the world as it is without your tinted lenses of insecurity, jealousy and childhood abandonment. Abandonment issues can get better, they don't get better quickly. It takes a great deal of outside feedback and accountability.
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