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Your Marriage IS Going To BLOW UP!
Written By: Mark Smith


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Managing Abandonment  Issues Through Recovery
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Indianapolis Marriage Counseling InformationI have an awesome group of men that I have the honor of meeting with weekly. There are several recently separated guys in the group as well as some soon to be divorced guys. I wish that I could accurately describe the looks on their faces as they ponder just how in the world they got themselves to the place that they currently reside. They are shocked and saddened beyond words. Their relationship circumstances hit them like they were proverbial deer caught in the headlights of a massive speeding semi truck. Sometimes life seems like a nightmare, but it isn't, it is their reality. These are powerful, successful men, Supermen. They are used to being in control. It is really beautiful to see them humbly and vulnerably sort through feelings. Marriages and families are sacred. They aren't meant to be broken apart. It is unnatural and so painful for everyone concerned.

Are you surprised when I say that your marriage will blow up someday too? It will.

Its just a matter of time. Listen to me! Don't be shocked when it happens to you because it will happen to you. Precious few of us are emotionally healthy enough to maintain a fulfilling and connected marriage decade after decade after decade. If you are a regular reader, you know that the actual hidden purpose of marriage is to tear down denial and psychological defense mechanism that keep us both from knowing the truth about our childhood wounds and from addressing them. Marital pain is messy but ultimately it can and should become a very good thing in your life...if and only if you understand what is going on. One of my favorite Chinese cookie fortunes taped to my bathroom mirror says 'The real test in life is not in keeping out of the rough, but it getting out of once you are in it.' Your life and your marriage is going to land in the rough, eventually. That can destroy your game or it can ultimately go a long way towards developing a champion!

Even MY marriage blew up, and I knew all this stuff. It can happen to anyone. I din't think that it would happen to me just as you probably don't think that it can happen to you. I woke up for years with deep pangs of sadness and shock punching me in the gut as soon as I woke up. Certainly the marriage counselor, the Christian, the family man of 27 years of a pretty happy marriage couldn't get divorced? My deep childhood wounds came up and played themselves out resulting in relationship destruction. But I have to tell you, I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed about it. It is normal. In spite of all the knowledge that I had, my childhood was so broken and lacking that the core of me was infantile, desperate and out of control. Marriages sometimes break beyond all possible repair. That doesn't have to break your life in a bad way though.

It can break your arrogance without breaking your spirit, it can break your denial without breaking your healthy coping mechanisms and it can break your addictions without breaking your passions. The lessons that you learn and the healing that you embrace can transform the circumstances of your divorce into the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know that sounds strange, but it is true.

Through the years I have worked with hundreds of couples who received enough helpful and accurate direction soon enough to transform what would have been a life shattering and crippling nightmare into a proactive, insightful, corrective fiery kiln of growth and healing. And that has been so gratifying and enjoyable. Working with teachable, motivated, non-victimy folks who have the courage to embrace their pain with humility and grace has produced blessings for so many families and lives, not the least of which has been my own. When life gives you lemons (almost always as a result of your own errant choices), make the sweetest, most delicious lemonade that you can possibly make!

Sadly, we got word yesterday of another modern day parable of an amazing life destroyed by childhood wounds, addiction and marital warfare. Your issues can instruct and catapult you into a life of safety, blessing and actualized potential or they can flat out kill you! Has this ever been so vividly portrayed as in the life of Whitney Houston? Talk about having it all! It has been so sad to see her decline due to her many issues.

Her death was shocking but not really a surprise at the same time. Her issues turned a beautiful woman ugly. Being other worldly talented and beautiful doesn't protect you from being normally dysfunctional, unfortunately. Bobby Brown didn't ruin Whitney Houston. Her need to reenact childhood issues with Bobby Brown ruined Whitney Houston. There are no victims and there are no bad guys in marriage. Marital issues are an opportunity to heal and grow or an opportunity to be crippled and destroyed.

Do not be surprised when your number is called. Unless you have done a ton of preventative work in therapy, the day is coming when your marriage will crack and break down. The good news is that you don't have to stay startled and overwhelmed when it happens. Just gather yourself and know that there is tremendous hope for your marriage if both of you are willing, ready and able to do the work. I had a new couple in my office this week and they were so sweet. They were more than ready to do the work and they both grinned from ear to ear when I told them that I thought that they had gotten to therapy in time and that there marriage very probably had a very good, rich and healthy future. They have a great deal of work to do. Indianapolis Marriage Counseling InformationIt will hurt to dig up their childhood stuff. They don't know it yet but they are both headed to group therapy where they will work long and hard. Marital pain is all good. It is a gift. It is an opportunity to heal as you have never healed before. Nothing digs up unresolved childhood wounds like a relationship. That is by design! It doesn't matter if you call the originator of that plan Mother Nature or God Himself. Love is what it is...the most wonderful, the most painful, the most irritating, the most exhilarating and the most ironic deal ever devised. You marry your issues, period. Learn from it and heal from it or be destroyed and/or embittered by it. That is your choice. Choose life and Recovery and a healed marriage (if at all possible). It is worth the work and the pain to be deeply connected to yourself and your teacher, your special issue can opener, your gift, your spouse.






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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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