Mini-Bites From Mark Smith's New E-Book On Abandonment
Written By: Mark Smith
Click For Info About Mark Smith's New E-Book
'Healing Toxic Shame Through Recovery'
And Here For 'Managing Abandonment Issues Through Recovery'
I have begun work on a new E-book titled 'Managing Abandonment Issues - The 3 Essential Stages of Taming Fire Breathing Dragon' that I hope to release in January. Here are some mini-bites from the book. I hope that they make you hungry for more...
Abandonment Issues are a consistent hypersensitivity to any and all perceived or actual distancing in a relationship. You canít fix it. It is way too deeply embedded in the personalities of those who suffer from it. You canít even manage itÖunless as the significant other you first see it, understand it, name it and detach from it.
One of my most vivid and enduring images of the anguish of Abandonment Issues was Rex (63). I will never forget Rex. He was a strong, burly man's man who owned his own framing company. His hands were large, strong and very calloused. Think of the Marlborough man from the old cigarette ads.
When he wept during our first session he refused the offered box of tissues as though I had insulted him. He pushed the tears off his face as if he were angry with them for betraying his emotions. When I asked what hurt he informed me that his wife had had an affair, thinking that perhaps he had just learned of it that week. When I asked when he discovered her indiscretion I about fell out of my chair when he told me that he had discovered her affair some 25 years before! The fellow that she had the affair with had long since died, but Rex's pain was as torturous and real as if it had happened yesterday. This macho man in his 60's looked like a lost and abandoned little boy as he wept. He had been weeping for a quarter of a century. For him there was no getting over it. It would haunt him like a horrible nightmare until the day he dies. My insisting that it was really about the abandonment of his childhood just never connected with Rex. It brought him no relief. It was as if he had forgotten the pain of his childhood since it was now 6 decades removed. He was obsessed with his wife's one enduring act of betrayal and he would never let it go. He couldn't. He didn't have the ability to forgive and let it go. He was too little on the inside. I can't put into words just how wounded, desperately sad and damaged this man looked as he talked about the affair. In my opinion Abandonment is by far the painful emotion known to mankind.
Another brutal example of the excruciating pain of Abandonment pain were Mike (44), a former professional athlete and Anne (42), a CEO of a dynamic company. During a break from their tumultuous relationship Anne had dated another man. She remained in contact with this man and she deceived Mike about that contact. Mike was also a huge athletic fellow who about broke my hand every time he shook it. He brought cyber stalking to a whole other level. He could easily have made a living as a private detective or conducted workshops on how to monitor the activities of a significant other. He went so far as to actually break into Anne's house, finding damning evidence in the trash. He tracked the fellow that Anne had the affair with. He always knew exactly where the competition was. The affair was long over but Mike's internal demons kept it fresh every day. I will never forget the unspeakable pain and anguish in Mike's face. He was transformed before my eyes from a bear of a man into a 4 year old little boy crying as if his puppy had just been hit by a car and killed before his eyes.
Mike understood Abandonment but sadly the paradigm also offered him little relief. His life was a living hell of constant surveillance, obsession, insecurity and torturous pain. Both Rex and Mike were extremely likable fellows. They were sweet little boys who were also crazed intrusive bullies at times. Their childhood wounds, not their woman's affairs ruined them and their relationships. Mike loved Anne with a deep passion. He just wasn't able to control his insane jealousy enough to be truly loving to her.
Is any of this sounding familiar? Have you dated this guy? Or ARE you this guy? Abandonment issues are THE most painful issue that I work on with clients and the most difficult to treat. Learning about them can make a world of difference. More from the book...Abandonment Issues are brutal, explosive, crippling, damaging and standing ever ready to completely ruin countless otherwise happy and peaceful events. They are an angry bull in an emotional china shop.
They are an irritating bee buzzing around your head waiting to sting. They are a terrifying fire breathing dragon directing all their furry towards you. If you are new to the concept of Abandonment Issues I am about to flip a huge light switch on for you. You have been banging and bloodying your shins in a very dark room for most of your adult life. It will help you immensely to understand what Abandonment Issues are, where they come from and what they look like in your relationship.
Stayed tuned for more mini-bites from the book. To download and read Mark Smith's other four E-books for FREE visit our website familytreecounseling.com
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