Tiger's Divorce Didn't Need To Happen!
Written By: Mark Smith
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I for one am truly saddened by Tiger Woods' divorce. I'm tired of all the comedians joking about it. While I do not know Tiger Woods personally, from my vantage point it seemed to me that he expressed a great deal of genuine humility, brokenness and teachability. He also underwent 45 days of treatment for sexual addiction. I have toured the facility he was in - it isn't a five star hotel by any means. I had hoped for him and his wife that his work on himself would yield the fruit of a salvaged and rebuilt marriage. While I have to admit that I also do not know Elin Nordegren, I believe that she has not yet come to the realization of what I trying to teach you in this posting and that HER lack of insight led directly to the divorce. In her interview with People magazine she said "I've been through hell. It's hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie? You're struggling because it wasn't real." and "Forgiveness takes time. It is the last step of the grieving process. I am going to be completely honest and tell you that I am working on it. I know I will have to come to forgiveness and acceptance of what has happened for me to go on and be happy in the future. And I know I will get there eventually." Elin is stuck in her grieving process in my opinion. She may never get to forgiveness and acceptance if she doesn't truly understand who she is and why she unwittingly but deliberately set the whole thing up to happen to her. Tiger was being Tiger. There were a lot of men on this planet for her to have married besides Tiger Woods. That was her choice.
What I am saying is that Tiger and Elin's situation is not different from other marriages. Almost ALL of us enter marriages that aren't real. Almost all marriages are ticking time bombs just waiting to go off. Elin needed to marry someone who would betray and abandon her. She picked Tiger for that purpose. Tiger did not victimize Elin. I wish that her therapist would have pounded that into her head. The grieving that she needs to be focusing on is the childhood wounds that were just re-played by Tiger's behavior. Edgy, non-politically correct comments I know but it is the stone cold truth. If we just focus on the here and now of what Tiger did, then yes, he broke his contract grossly and violated her. But real marriage contracts are not based on the here and now. They are based on being attracted to and falling in love with exactly the right person who will hurt you in exactly the right way to give you an opportunity to heal your deepest childhood wounds. Tiger behavior was a gift to Elin. Yes, you read that correctly. While I heard a lot about his treatment for his issues I did not hear much about her treatment for her issues. She didn't go away for 45 days of treatment. She should have. Her issues were just as dysfunctional and severe as his. I fear that the 'work' she did was in a therapist's office and process forgiving Tiger for how he had victimized her so thoroughly and publicly. That doesn't work. The walls of defense never get taken down. Trust can never be re-built. When it comes to saving marriages it isn't about the enormity of the marital offenses or how many other people your spouse has had sex with - it is about can the offended party shift their thinking to understand that they were not victimized and embrace the pain as an opportunity to do their own work on themselves and their unresolved childhood wounds. This way of thinking is revolutionary and even non-politically correct, I know. It is the truth though. If Elin understood this truth she could forgive Tiger so much more easily. He if was truly in Recovery and was clean and sober and not acting out sexually and was truly and deeply sorry for what he had done and was willing to work in therapy and out on their marriage then that divorce did not need to happen. Both of them and their kids would have been much better off re-building the marriage.
Please understand that I am not dogging Elin. She just doesn't know this marriage saving, amazing, proactive, positive immutable law of nature. I am dogging her therapist though. Honestly, if a 'marital therapist' does not build their practice on this truth that you always marry your issues and that there are NO VICTIMS IN MARRIAGE EVER then I believe that they are doing more harm than good and that they should get into another line of work! They fester the victim mentality in clients like Elin. The focus shouldn't be on her forgiving him. It should be on her thanking him for making her learn about and heal the true issues - the abandonment issues from her childhood. I have helped hundreds of couples forgive 'unforgivable' marital sins and go on to build solid, wonderful and healthy marriages. The key is changing how you think about the offenses. When a spouse owns their issues, gets treatment, shows a humble and repentant heart and is willing to give 100% to build a healthy future then there should not be a divorce. If there is a divorce in those cases it is because the spouse did not do their work and they stayed obliviously in a victims role, usually due to poor and unenlightened therapists. By my way of thinking if a marriage counselor is trying to fix the marriage he or she is totally on the wrong track. Successful marital work is successful individual Recovery work. It is not about fixing the marriage. It is about BOTH spouses working on their own dysfunction in a safe adn non-judgmental environment...yes, even for sex addicts.
It is very sad that this divorce took place! It separated a family that could and very probably should still be together. Acting out in sexual addiction is forgivable. It is all about how you think and how you look at the issues.
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