You Like Who You Like (Even If You Don't Like It)
Written By: Mark Smith
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I do not believe that chemistry between two people can be forced. It is either there or it isn't there. Why did you fall in love with you spouse to begin with? Of all the options in the whole world you singled this person out and you set up an exclusive 'sole provider of love' contract with them. Why them? What moved you to make such a monumental commitment? Why were you so sure at the alter that they were the right one for you? For free, I am now going to share with you the mysteries of love. I am serious. I know that sounds grandiose, but I really am going to reveal to you the reason why people fall in love with who they fall in love with. I'm offering this not so much as an opinion as much of an immutable law of nature, strong language, I know. Are you ready? Here we go...you will only be attracted to a person who is a very cleverly hidden version of the qualities of the people who hurt you the worst in your childhood. Chew on that for a while before you spit it out. Let me make my case for this perspective and even though you may not like it, by the end of the blog you will agree that I am right about this.
I want for you to take out a sheet of paper. At the top of it write 'Dad', 'Mom', 'Spouse/Significant Other #1 ", 'Spouse/Significant Other #2". Please include any significant relationships in the past even if they did not end in marriage. Under each person write every word that you can think of that describes that person. Don't write a sanitized, overly idealized version of your parents. Tell the truth. Call a Spade a Spade. Now, compare the patterns in the list. If you are dealing with reality and you are even the least bit insightful, the pattern of how your spouse is like at least one of your parents will jump off the page and bite you on the butt! I have done this exercise with thousands of people through the years. About 98% people are quite literally stunned with the patterns that are blatantly obvious but never noticed or considered before. They were shocked and somewhat sickened that they had instinctively married someone who was a combination of their mom and dad.
The sneaky thing is that during the honeymoon or 'enmeshment' early 'in love' stage you just don't see the obvious. Your friends and family usually see it but you aren't listening to them. You are so assured that this love is the real deal that you aren't seeking much feedback from anyone. So, if you are in a new relationship please disregard this information. You don't count. You are probably stoned on love. You are feeling no pain. Keep Blog link and re-read it in a year. You are snuggling up really close to the snake that will some day bite you, but we will probably have to wait until that day to work on enlightening you. Love is NOT as easy and painless as it seems to you that it is now. You will have some rude awakenings coming your way some day.
Love is a bait and switch deal orchestrated by the universe to force you to take a long hard look at the unresolved wounds from your childhood. You don't get who you think you got at the alter. They did not trick or victimize you. You signed up for exactly whatever you got. Marriage is eminently fair. Marriage always fair. It is the big truth teller as to who we really are and exactly how healthy we are. You picked your spouse for a reason. You had a lot of other options in the entire world of men and women on this planet. There was just something very special and powerful about that person you married. They fit you. You didn't know just how much they did fit you when you married them. They are a gift to you, even now - especially now. They are forcing you to take a long look at yourself and work on yourself. That is an awesome gift. What has happened in your marriage was always going to happen to you. It would have happened to you even if you had not married that guy because you most certainly would have married another guy just like him. What has happened is all fair and it is all good. It is what you make of it now. You can let it destroy your marriage or you can let it destroy your denial and your illusions about who you are and what you marriage is truly based on. Then use that pain as motivation to re-build your marriage into something better than it has ever been.
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