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You Are NOBODY'S Victim
Written By: Mark Smith


Healing Toxic Shame Through Recovery
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Managing Abandonment  Issues Through Recovery
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Indianapolis Marriage Counseling InformationI can't count how many times the client on the couch in front of me has technically agreed with me that they weren't a victim of their spouse while everything in their tone, body language, facial expressions and words were screaming 'you victimized me'. Jeff Foxworthy has made a career on the phrase "you might be a redneck if..." I'm going to be more direct. If you are nursing a deep bruise you are playing the victim role. If you vent and triangle to your friends and family you are playing the victim role. If you feel as if your spouse has ruined your life you are playing the victim role. If you feel like what happened in your marriage was unfair you are playing the victim role. If you are filled with bitterness and resentment you are playing the victim role. If you belittle, demean and frequently criticize your spouse you are playing the victim role. If you feel like you can't be happy due to the issues of another human being you are playing the victim role. If you believe that you are a lot healthier than your spouse emotionally you are playing the victim role. If you are so fragile that you can't stick in the box and go toe to toe with your spouse due to your deep woundedness from the relationship you are playing the victim role.

There are NO victims in marriage. There are NO victims in relationships. It is all about you ordering your life and your relationships to reenact your unresolved childhood wounds. That is what love is. You married the right person. YOUR life is about YOUR choices. Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to marry who you did. Of all the people on the planet you picked them. Nobody has made you stay with that person all these years. It is good news that nobody has the power to victimize you in relationships. They need your full cooperation to damage you. Own your stuff! Think about just how alike your spouse is to the worse characteristics of your parents as you were growing up. If you are hurting go look in the mirror and ask that person how they let that happen to you. Quit pointing your finger at your spouse.

In 'An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters' Portia Nelson describes perfectly what I have been trying to share . . .

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am hopeless.
It isnít my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I donít see it.
I fall in again.
I canít believe I am in the same place.
But, it isnít my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Indianapolis Marriage Counseling Information3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . Itís a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my responsibility.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Your life is about you. You don't have a spouse problem, you have a dysfunctional childhood problem (like everybody else). Work on you. Focus on you. You are the only person that you have any power to change. Your marriage is (or was) a gift to you to make you work on you. Do the work. What can you learn about you?







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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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