Marital, Family or Individual Therapist serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana



Reader Confirms That We Marry Our Issues
Written By: Mark Smith



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'The BASICS for a Healthy Life and Marriage' Understanding the Basics of
Codependency, Counterdependency, Shame, Abandonment, Intimacy and
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Mark Smith covers these topics and more in his edgy, informal, likable style.





Several months ago I heard from a woman who was really excited about an article that I had written for Christianity Today. She gave a copy of it to all of her freinds and family. She then offered to write a testimonial of how the article fit with what she had lived through in her marriage with her husband. Here is what she had to say...

Hi, my name is Gaye. I am a wounded person in process. It was so good to read Mark E.Smith's article on marriage titled THE SECRET MIND-BLOWING ACTUAL PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE on the Christianity Today marriage website because it validated what God has been telling us for years. When we react it says everything about what is going on in us. It is our woundedness that needs attention. God uses our mates to get our attention. We need to look at what is going on in our hearts. We need to get rid of our muck. Thank you God for our mates, your tool to our wholeness.

I came from a religious family. I had Sunday school attendance pins for 5 or more years. Indianapolis Marriage Counseling Information My mom tried hard to have us look like a good happy family. She was an enabler, and she was not modeled how to parent or love. My father was a mean, unhappy, angry, cold, emotionally absent, verbally abusive, and physically abusive dad. He didnít know how to love and didnít care. The result of their lack of love, lack of parenting skills, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse caused wounds in my soul that would last almost half of my life. Not only was I emotionally wounded by my parents, I was sexually abused by a neighbor at age 5. All the abuse I received in my young life caused me to believe I was powerless. I had great fears and feelings of rejection and abandonment. I felt completely alone. I learned to live as a victim. Thatís what I believed I was. I was not worth getting my needs met or being taken care of. It felt like someone else had control of my life and I had no say. While in college I began having anxiety attacks, a direct result of the abuse. God healed the anxiety attacks years later. I met Frank, who fit perfectly into my life. Frank was a predator and I was his victim. Because I believed I was a victim I could not say no to his strong request for sex before marriage. I didnít want to feel the pain of rejection that I had felt from my parents so I gave in. The shame and guilt of that act which was compounded by the sexual abuse at age 5 would haunt me for years. Eventually I got pregnant and we married and lived separate lives together. That old behavior of drinking, partying, fighting, name calling, not speaking to one another, and getting even, culminated in each of us committing adultery.

Then we recommitted our love to one another and to God and started the healing process. We I have not arrived yet, but my God has been showing me and growing me in Him. I have learned so much since then. One major thing which God has healed in me is the fact I had Frank as my idol. If Frank did all the things I wanted, made me happy, placed me first, and did all I asked then I would be alright. If he didnít then I would feel rejected. I would get angry at him and not talk to him, reject him. I felt my husband was ignoring me. The picture I got was when I was a little girl and my mom and dad were fighting. I felt completely ignored by them. Didnít they care that I was scared to death? This is what I believed about myself in this scene. That no one cares about how I feel, I am not worth their love, and I will always have to take care of myself and I will be alone. Through my Recovery work I have now taken Frank off the pedestal took the pressure off of him to not have to be what he canít be. I have come to realize that God put Frank in my life to help me grow and heal and vice versa. He triggers me in areas I need healing.

Indianapolis Marriage Counseling Information






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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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