Marital, Family or Individual Therapist serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana



You Had Better Limp Down The Aisle!
Written By: Mark Smith



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'The BASICS for a Healthy Life and Marriage' Understanding the Basics of
Codependency, Counterdependency, Shame, Abandonment, Intimacy and
Communication is vital in building healthy lives and marriages.
Mark Smith covers these topics and more in his edgy, informal, likable style.







Everybody loves a good wedding. You get to witness the fresh innocence of naive young love, so filled with expectant hope and a belief in the happily ever after. And you get to enjoy a good meal, an open bar and dance the Hokey Pokey surrounded by friends and family. Young star crossed lovers float down the aisle in a cloud of over idealization or they bound down the aisle almost doing backflips. All of it should be outlawed, especially the Hokey Pokey! The only people truly qualified to make the commitment of marriage both limp down the aisle bruised with the deep emotional wounds inflicted upon each other during a eyes wide open, fully aware, 4 or 5 year long, therapy infused real life courtship. Snot nosed 23 year olds who have zero clue who they are, who their beloved is, what love is or where either of them came from are the last people on earth to qualify.

Marriage is not a sweet, magical, safe, pre-ordained business that ends well for most people. Marriage is dangerous business that should not be entered into "unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God". Four Weddings and a Funeral fans know that I swiped that line from the minister's speech just before Charlie's brother heroically rescued him from an ill advised marriage to Duckface. There should be more courageous friends and family members who strongly object to premature, immature, wrong headed marital commitments that are obviously headed for disaster.

I am working with a wise couple now who are limping slowly but determinedly towards the alter. They have their eyes open, they know what their issues are, they feel their pain, they have made progress with their issues, they come to therapy every week and they truly understand the commitment they wiill be making. I like their chances in marriage. It will be difficult but there will be no ugly surprises. They both understand how their childhood wounds have conspired to draw them to each other. Neither of them feel victimized by the other, even when the pain in the relationship is almost unbearable. They understand that love is all about reenacting unresolved childhood relationships and their coresponding wounds. These insights will comfort and sustain them when times get difficult, and they will get very difficult at times. Understanding that the pain in their relationship makes sense, is fair, is redemptive, is normal and ultimately is all good if handled correctly will guide and safeguard this couple in their journey through life and marriage.

Most people come to therapy at the wrong time. They show up when their marriage is hanging by the thinnest of threads after decades of damage hoping for a miracle. They have been warring, trying to hurt each other and betraying each other for so long that they don't feel positive feelings for love for each other any longer. By far, the best time to work on one's self in the context of a love relationship is during courtship. That way you can build a foundation of acceptance, insight, empathy, intimacy, forgiveness and interdependency. An ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure. Building a healthy, deep, healing, equal, balanced and insightful union takes time. Most marriages are based on the high of early romantic love when we all give a blind eye to the many shortcomings of our new object of love. It is easy to fall in love. It will be the most difficult thing that you've ever done to truly build a healthy marriage. You will need help with this process. If you think otherwise you are very seriously mistaken. The combatants in love are too biased and emotionally charged to sort out the issues with enough objectivity to keep the environment a safe place where both parties get heard and understood.

You most definitely will need the help of a good therapist. You get professional help and coaching for your finances, your physical health, your exercise program, your spirituality, your career, your children, etc. Why trust the most important relationship of your life, the very center of your family, the foundation of your finances and your link with the community to a couple of rank amateurs? If people understood how difficult and painful marriage ultimately is EVERYONE would work long and hard in therapy before limping down the aisle with big smiles, standing tall with the knowledge that they are making the best and most well informed biggest decision of their lives. We can help you build the kind of relationship that thrives for a lifetime whether you are in a broken marriage now or if you find yourself in the early throes of love. Put time, energy, work, money and devotion into the most vital and potentially fulfilling part of your healthy and blessed life.





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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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